Perfectly- Imperfect: Held

Perfectly- Imperfect: Held: "Sometimes all i want is to be held; Strong arms holding me tight protecting me from the world, a warm heart beating with the rhythm of mine,..."

Held

Sometimes all i want is to be held; Strong arms holding me tight protecting me from the world, a warm heart beating with the rhythm of mine, and peaceful oblivion where no evil preys on your soul and swallows you whole.  Yes, i just want to be held.

Perfectly- Imperfect: Life Is a Beautiful Journey

Perfectly- Imperfect: Life Is a Beautiful Journey: "'The only way out- is through;' There comes a point in life where we can no longer be afraid. The past lurks behind us, the future awaits da..."

Life Is a Beautiful Journey

"The only way out- is through;" There comes a point in life where we can no longer be afraid. The past lurks behind us, the future awaits dauntingly ahead of us, and the present resides in limbo. We have reached a crossroad in life where we are cautious to propel ourselves forward, but also are hesitant to regress backward in time. It is hard letting go of something that has belonged to us for much of our lives, and yet knowing we have outgrown that certain security blanket is a terrifying stage to be caught in. However, stepping beyond all known boundaries into the unknown is the first step in a continuous series of steps. It is not easy, but it is life, and we cannot be afraid to live it. It is hard to climb those hills and mountains set before us, and from a distance they look enormous and foreboding, but as we approach the base and begin our climb, the path is gently carved away for us. Like an hiker, climber, or extreme sportsman prepares for his/her challenge, life up to this point has provided us with the knowledge and equipped us with the tools needed to forge our own great adventures and navigation of the wide world stretched before, behind, and around us. There is never any certainty of where the paths will lead you, but we must have faith that the end of the journey is where our destiny awaits no matter how many times we veer off course or lose sight of direction. In life there is no GPS warning us to turn right on Walnut street 500 feet ahead and then make a slight right onto Maple...really, there is no map, at least of tangible proportions. Only at the end of our lives as we stand at the gates of heaven, looking back, do we see the map and the path we have chosen. Bottom line is this, do not be afraid to take a leap of faith and plunge headlong into the unknown because you may end up just where you are intended to be.

Perfectly- Imperfect: New Poem =)... yet untitled

Perfectly- Imperfect: New Poem =)... yet untitled: "I dream to wake in a sleepless state Tears, fears, and nightmaresI drift in shadows of a lurking fate Darkness, death, and despair..."

Perfectly- Imperfect: Balance

Perfectly- Imperfect: Balance: "We pick and choose our battles wisely; sometimes the gains are simply not worth the pain we endure to secure our pride and dignity. Not to m..."

Balance

We pick and choose our battles wisely; sometimes the gains are simply not worth the pain we endure to secure our pride and dignity. Not to mention the people we hurt in our quest for superiority and dominance over frivolous issues that are derived from anger, frustration, and guilt.We do not always get to have it all; we must compensate our ultimate desires for less measurable and pleasurable circumstances because it is life and in nature, there exists a delicate balance. The goal is to find equilibrium and satisfaction regardless of what you have or have not yet accomplished. Criticism, judgment, and retaliation can be hurtful and accusatory to a person less suited for battle and even for the well armored soldier. There is no line drawn between the shades of disagreement-opinion is important and must not be overshadowed by one's quest for triumph. We all do out best and then some, but even when its not enough we must forgive and forget and move on from our own selfishness. We give and we take and sometimes tip the scale in our favor, but what goes up must eventually come down and there is no divine standard of righteousness. To each his own and hold your own because both are needed to achieve ultimate balance.

Never Enough

All I ever wanted to be was enough. Enough for him: Enough for me: Enough for everyone who loves me.

I wont ever be thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, or strong enough...in this life I wont let myself ever be good enough.

Whatever

"She falls for the players, but she plays the same games..only better."

So, here's to saying i do not care, I'm sick of games...tag your it, well tag, i quit.

Just the Way it Is

All it ever is, is progress, not perfection.

Seems I'm always trying to reach the finish line before the race even begins.

I must be calm, I must relax, and let nature play its course and direct me where to go. ....

Perfectly- Imperfect: Should Vs Shouldn't Vs Want

Perfectly- Imperfect: Should Vs Shouldn't Vs Want: "Today I was informed that I over-use the word, 'should.' Without even realizing it, I used it twice in one sentence! haha. I feel like I 'sh..."

Should Vs Shouldn't Vs Want

Today I was informed that I over-use the word, "should." Without even realizing it, I used it twice in one sentence! haha. I feel like I "should be a lot of things that I am not, and I feel that I "should" do a lot of things that I do not." I know that I like helping people and I try to be unselfish, but I recently came to the conclusion that there is not many things that I simply do for myself because I want to. I "should" go to  college to get a good job. I "should" do my homework to make me smarter. I "should" eat veggies to make me healthy. I "should" be motivated, independent, and successful. I "should" workout so I can lose weight. I "should" drink eight glasses of water every day...etc. On the contrary, there's things I "shouldn't" do. I "shouldn't" swear,drink, or have sex. I "shouldn't" disobey my parents. I "shouldn't" lie,cheat,or steal. I "shouldn't" text while driving. I "shouldn't" be depressed,obsessed, or nervous...etc. Even though I dont in fact do some of those things I listed, I am generalizing that society and people follow a strict path of should and should not. We all align ourselves with culture and transform into the "norm" of society, My conclusion is this, I need to find a balance between what is perceived as how I should act and what I should do, and how I want to act and what I want to do. Should of, would of could of been born someone else, but hey I am simply me and I like it that way!!! :D

Failure!Failure!Failure!

Somehow I manage to smash every mirror of opportunity in my life. ugh..

Who Needs Logic Anyway??

It's been a while since my last post for two reasons. 1) I've been crazy busy with school, work, and life and 2) Inspiration has been in short supply lately. :/
I wish I could clear my mind and erase all the fog clouding my brain. I've tried to take a step outside my own mind and rationalize all that I'm feeling, but I have found that it's easier to to let emotions run their course and not over-analyze things. I've always listened to my head before my heart, but I am tired of measuring out the consequences and weighing my options. I just want to run with the reckless emotions and kiss goodbye to logic because i feel suffocated by the boundaries I have always set for myself. I want to break down the walls that I built around myself long ago and not worry so much about the future and dwell so much on the past. I only want to live in the present and drink in each day at a time because I don't know if it is my last, but I do know that I want to enter heavens gate knowing I used every last bit of the talents and strengths God gave me...so goodbye yesterday, hello today, and F*** tomorrow.!

Perfectly- Imperfect: Astrology

Perfectly- Imperfect: Astrology: "I believe there is a higher power/being whose address is in the stars...but how much of our lives is written in that wide, sparkling abyss? ..."

Astrology

I believe there is a higher power/being whose address is in the stars...but how much of our lives is written in that wide, sparkling abyss? I believe in destiny and fate, and karma has a way of balancing the equation, but can astrology really provide us mere mortals with answers to our universe?

 I'm not naive or ignorant, but I do enjoy reading my weekly horoscope. I find the prospect of predictability rather unpredictable, nonetheless its the one section of the newspaper I actually like. I seem to be forming a habit of doing everything except my homework lately, and today I was on sexualastrology.com, and out of sheer boredom, curiosity, and procrastination of my scholastic duties, I looked up his and my astrological compatibility and was pleasantly pleased by the results. Who knew such physical opposites could be such a chemical collision- radiating an intensely passionate burn?! I think I found a new hobby, and it isn't reading astrology ;)

Perfectly- Imperfect: You and I collide

Perfectly- Imperfect: You and I collide: "'Even the best fall down sometimes Even the wrong words seem to rhyme Out of the doubt that fills my mind I somehow find you and I collide' ..."

You and I collide

"Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide"
--Howie Day

I've searched for excuses of why we wouldn't work...why we shouldn't see this through...but I keep spinning in a circle ,and it always ends and begins with you. I can't seem to fight this attraction, and I don't know that I even want to. How do I let go of something I've never really had...and how do I hold onto something I've never really held.
All I know is that I want to put an end to this frustration, and even if we crash and burn......

We'll finally find that you and I collide

Autumn :)

Happy first day of fall everyone! :) Some of you may be sad because summer has officially ended and we are already exhausted from long school days and endless nights of homework...but I am happy! I love the autumn months of September-October. I live for the chilly mornings and golden afternoons, the splendid glow of the trees vivid with color...the smell of burning leaves, football games, and bonfires. Halloween is nearly a month away, I can't wait to carve pumpkins and drink warm homemade apple cider!! Each season marks and ending but it is also a beginning. Let's kiss goodbye to those sultry summer nights and welcome the clear air of autumn and jump into a freshly raked pile of fallen leaves! :)

Perfectly- Imperfect: Quote

Perfectly- Imperfect: Quote: "'Sparks light up the dark, but will burn down your heart.'~sadie elizabeth martin"

Quote

"Sparks light up the dark, but will burn down your heart."~sadie elizabeth martin

Perfectly- Imperfect: ~Fairytales and Fate~

Perfectly- Imperfect: ~Fairytales and Fate~: "'My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in tin foil' I've learned the hard way that no matter how long you stare at the stars,..."

~Fairytales and Fate~

"My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in tin foil"

I've learned the hard way that no matter how long you stare at the stars, no matter how big you puff out your cheeks to blow out your birthday candles, and no matter how many times you wait for the clock to turn 11:11, the stars are just going to wink at you, the air will kill the flame, the clock will soon turn 11:12 and your wish is just that, a wish. I've also learned that no matter how many times you watch Cinderella, the glass slipper still wont fit your foot( such delicate footwear is not made in a size 9!)...and prince charming wont carry you off into the sunset on a white horse...BUT hey that's okay!! We make our own destiny without genies and fairy god-mothers, and besides, I'd rather have the sun-rise than the sun-set on my "fairytale."

 Movies deceive us and fairy tales lie, but I do believe in happy endings, but we must let ourselves believe in the power of fate. We cannot simply "wish" for something to happen, we have to make it happen. :)

Homecoming

Good Monday morning =)

 Fall is the football season, and with it, homecoming. High schools and colleges all across the country are in preparation for the big game. My hometown homecoming is this Friday and of course I will be in the bleachers cheering on my beloved Redskins!! The homecoming tradition is fun and exciting, bonfires, fundraisers, parades,tail-gating, and of course the candidate campaigns. My congratulations goes out to all of you who have made the ballot for court, and also for those of you who did not get nominated. Homecoming is a special event on campus and in the community and it is an honor to take part in the festivities. However, I've seen the past joy of homecoming become overshadowed with all the campaign scheming, cutting up of the competition, and sometimes cheating. Instead of being content and happy with the experience of the big game, homecoming has become essentially, a popularity contest in campaign for the crown. It has begun to resemble a presidential election just without corny you tube videos and commercials. There can only be one king and one queen, but homecoming is not about who takes home the crown. It is about celebrating your friends, family, and community. The people who give 110 percent of their energy on game day and everyday.

Nevertheless, it is an honor to be a member of the court, but you represent more than just your team, you represent generations upon generation of friends,family, and neighbors who have all held the experience of homecoming in their hands and who have kept it in their hearts. Whether you are a member on the field or a fan in the stands, I give you the gold because the title of "king" or "queen," is not as important as the title that you give yourself. You are a part of history in the making and it does not matter if your picture makes the front page in the newspaper or year book. All I can say is enjoy the excitement and experience of homecoming but do not let yourself become discouraged or disappointed when you don't receive the cheap piece of plastic that was ordered out of an catalog.

Wins,Losses, and Life :)

"Beneath the makeup and the smile I'm just a girl who wishes for the world."-Marilyn Monroe

We, as people, see, hear, and believe only what we want to see, hear, and believe. It's a natural process of selection. Every second we are bombarded with many types of stimuli in our environment and we make sense of what we can and disregard the rest. However, perhaps we should pay closer attention to what is within and rely less on stereotypes to sort out information. Okay, FYI this blog is not a science lesson, but it should be duly noted that it isn't our fault that we lump people and things into categories, but we should also make an effort to dig deeper.
Miss Monroe is an icon. She was beautiful,talented, and famous, but she also had a brain separate from her fame-very unlike the iconic blonds of this generation(i.e Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag). I, along with many people often appear stronger than we are. We put on a brave face, paste on the smile, and walk confidently into a world we feel very out of place in. We all face intimidation, challenges, and set backs in our daily lives-and we bring forth our shiniest armor and toughest defenses to fight and win our battles. If you've read my previous blogs you'll know I've been through a lot (anorexia, depression) and also conquered a lot (myself) but I wasn't always strong, and in fact the strength I do have now comes from victory in my war against myself. Beneath my makeup and my smile I am just a simple girl doing her best in a world that does its best to break people down. I'm writing this because I want you readers to know that it is normal to make mistakes, judge people, and be ignorant...but it's not normal to make the same mistake twice, use stereotypes to hurt people, and refuse to learn/ be taught. In this world, everyone plays a role,big or small, we all impact each other. Throughout my life I want to have a positive impact and share my knowledge and bring happiness to the lonely soul who feels there is no hope to carry on. We win some-we lose more, but there is ALWAYS hope. :)

Magazine Mania

I'm just sitting here on a Sunday afternoon probably should be doing something productive like writing the three papers I have do in a couple weeks...but instead of reading scholarly material I am immersed in the glossy pages of Glamour magazine, haha. Oh how I love trashy fashion magazines! Usually I dont buy them from the news stands because I would go broke keeping up to date on the latest celeb gossip and fashion trends, but today I decided to splurge on the October issue.

 Probably about 90% of the content of magazines is complete and total trash. I really do not care about the size of Kim Kardashian's butt or Lindsey Lohan's latest drug busts. The fact that I know who these people are is gross! The media projects certain ideals onto society that many people fall prey to. Young girls  and guys are subjected to the highly glamorized, airbrushed, and edited images of "beautiful"and thin women, and fit and toned men. Unconsciously, some young people(and some older) set these idolized people on pedestals so high above them that they do everything in their power to be just like them.

At thirteen i wanted to be as thin and beautiful as the women and girls displayed inside those covers of Us Weekly, Seventeen, and People. The fact that I nearly destroyed myself trying to reach societies standards of beauty is horrifying. Truth is so many girls and increasingly more guys are obsessed and infatuated with these fanciful ideals. I will tell you straight up it is not worth it! It has taken me many sleepless nights, hours in the gym, and a lot of family support to realize I am beautiful on the inside- and only because of who i am, am i beautiful on the outside. My mind has gone numb with counting calories and fat grams, and frankly I am sick and tired of being the victim of such distress! People shouldn't have to live in the shadow of other people, no matter the status they possess. We all have amazing talents, skills, and contributions to give to the world and I've learned that we must step outside ourselves and not take for granted all the blessings we are given.

As i stated in my previous blog, perfection is irrational and unachievable because striving for such an unobtainable go will always render you unsatisfied. Hence the phrase, "the grass in greener on the other side." Be content with who you are and who you were made to be. Girls, you don't have to have slender thighs, skinny waists, and luscious hair to be beautiful, and guys, you dont have to look like an Abercrombie model to be taken seriously, Our bodies are shaped differently, and our chemistry makeup in generously varied. Work with your body and what you have and be happy with it because its the only one you got!!! In this case there is no second chances.

I'm just glad I've reached the point where I can flip through Glamour and not be burdened with thoughts of not being good enough. :) That is the realistic goal to have, not the goal of looking just like "Megan Fox," or Taylor Lautner."

new beginnings

I wonder if there is a limit on how many new beginnings and/or second chances a person can have in their lifetime. At what point does one cross the line? Is there a line? I like to think that no such boundary exists, and that life is a process and sometimes as much as we leap forward we often takes steps backward.
My life has been a series of steps/stages, some good and some not so pleasant...I've been through a lot, made a few too many mistakes, and hurt some very great people.  However, in retrospect, those bad" times have also brought me many great things. Suffering is a part of life, and we all fall down sometimes. Everyday i am surprised and amazed at the strength human beings possess to rise from the deepest and darkest turmoils of the soul and reclaim their precious lives.
I've been to the darkest corners of my being and back again many times over, but yet somehow i have managed to find the light. Depression plagues me and I've battled anorexia ...but i have no regrets. Life breaks you down so you build yourself back up. By putting my mind,body, and soul back into place ive truly learned who i am, where i've come from, and where i am going. No single person is perfect. We are all made in the shadows of imperfection..but in a sense that is what is so entirely perfect about the matter.